Friday was the most stressful work day of my life. It was cancelation after another, escalation after another. After work I met up with Victor at Nishiki's for dinner and drinks. We ordered two rolls: Spicy Tuna and the Power Roll. I already had shooters before he got there because there were straight folks thinking it's cool to be gay were pissin' me off. I had a total of 8 shots and a sake bomb before we left Nishiki's. I then drove to Duncan's house for a pumpkin carving party. I proceeded to have cider & brandy. Duncan instructed two ladles of cider and two ladles of brandy. I kept on pouring 3 1/2 ladles of brandy. Then I also had apple pie topped with ice cream and brandy. While I was carving my pumpkin, Harrison and Timineri decided they needed to take my keys away from me (even though I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon). Sure, I had a lot to drink, but I just wanted to forget about stress that night and just have fun with good 'ol friends. The more they tried to take my keys away, the angrier I got. I then stood around, watched everyone carved faces in their pumpkins: happy face, sad face, distorted face, and Vince's pumpkin looked nothing like a face at all. I began to have this alienated feeling. I remember partying with Timineri until 4 in the morning, all the laughter we'd shared, hold each other when we cried and we'd help each other find solutions to each other's drama. Why is it so different now? Is it because we both had significant life altering events? Is it because we both have grown up? Have we grown apart? It scares me. I look over to Duncan. Dear sweet Duncan. Always so smart. Always so fun. Always so hospitable. I remember we would make plans to be each other's date to dance the night away at Badlands. Then I'd drop him off after we'd drunkenly stuff our faces with McDonalds at like five in the morning. Then do it all over again the next night. I remember missing him and my friends so much when I moved to New Mexico. I used to curl up in my big closet, inside that huge bedroom while you know who was asleep, in that big isolated house and called him in tears. Now I look at him and wonder why we haven't really talked or hung out since I'd been back. What has been moved that altered my memory of this family? This perfect happy family.


Irregardless (is the word I'd been using lately), I went home to crash and Timineri wasn't there. I woke up to the sound of him and his guests drunkenly stumbling in, but I did not budge. It was nice and sweet for them to try to keep quiet. I heard them shushing each other many times. A year ago, I would jump up out of bed to join the party. But I didn't. Even if I was deaf, I could tell you exactly what would have happened. Timineri would look for the leather vest to make one of them try it on. "I don't know where the leather vest is..." I heard him whisper. He couldn't find the leather vest because Daddy Mike has it at his house since Folsom St. Fair. He's so forgetful. Then he would pull out the nipple clamps. I heard one of them said, "Owe!" And of course, he would show off his cat of nine tails. It had always been a drunk routine when there are guests over. I used to question why he does it. I used to point out how unattractive it is. But then I stopped and realized it's no difference from me playing dumb, bragging about how I don't read, or claiming that Paris Hilton is my idol. Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps I'd been harsh on Timineri because the way he's dealing with things are similar ways I used to deal with mine. I get frustrated because I don't know how to help him snap out of it. I envisioned it to be so different living together. For some reason, I thought we could save each other. Maybe it is best that we take a break from each other. Perhaps, we both need time to get a hold of ourselves individually then come together to help one another mend. Despite overcoming huge fights, not talking to each other for a month, being a thousand miles apart for a year, this must be the most challenging phase of our friendship. This feels like we're both at critical points in our lives. I think time is best for the both of us.


Yesterday, I woke up and started packing my life up. We all decided its best that I stay over at Vining's until further notice (whether I decide to buy a house, get a bigger place with Timineri or even an option that I'm considering: renting a place of my own). I don't like living alone, but hey, since we're on this "changing streak." Besides, it gives me a chance to see Vining more. I do miss him a lot since I'd been back. It's so hard to see him since he's always in San Francisco. I can't imagine it'd be any easier to see him since I moved in yesterday and it turns out he won't be back from San Francisco 'till Monday. However, Luke did have dinner with me and spent the night last night. I do really like him a lot. If we were in different circumstances and met at different point in our lives, I think we'd be boyfriends by now. On the contrary, if we were dating at different points in my life I would have dumped him by now and that option is still lingering on the back of my mind. Luke is a sweet boy. I haven't laughed with him as much with anyone else I've dated. I have more in common with him than other people my age. We can act our age and he can keep up when it comes to things beyond his age. But lately I'd been asking myself, "...But is he partner material for me?" with everyone I date. Luke just got out of a four year relationship and by no mean is he ready for another. But let's take that out of the equation. Would he be dating material? Yes, hence the fact that we're dating. Is he boyfriend material? I struggle with answering this question let alone trying to answer "is he partner material for me?" Despite all his great qualities, intelligence and goals, Miller lacks experience. Within less than a week span, he have had so many firsts with me (and I like showing and teaching him new things), but I do wonder if like Peterson, he needs to experience the things that a 22 year old should more. He should date around. He should party it up. I'm beyond that and it's not fair for me to ask otherwise of him. I'm afraid, like Peterson, by the time he realizes he'd experienced enough; he'd be too far behind and I've already moved on. Yes, in any relationships: you take some you lose some, but experience determines a lot. We all lose if that's overlooked. No matter how you slice it, I don't see how this puzzle will fit.


I have no clue what I will be doing today. I think I will just relax and enjoy the sun as much as I can before winter takes over.