I just came home from an interesting night out with Vasquez. It is currently 12:39AM. I sit here in the dark as I try to diagnose my condition. Understand this feeling inside me. Wondering if there's a remedy it at all... Whatever "it" is.


I met Vasquez at Olive Garden in San Mateo. We ordered salads and bruschetta. We were tossing conversations and jokes around as we gawked at hot servers. I was talking about how my dermatologist said my skin is now flawless and is taking me off of Accutane. Vasquez said he wanted to get laser hair removal for his back. He came up a genius idea: "They should make cosmetic insurance." I told him that was the most retarded oxymoron ever.


I then received a text message from Christopher that changed the ambiance of night. "I feel I need to tell you before rumor start that I'm in a relationship with Marcus." I responded: "I don't care. It's your business. Learn from our past and make your relationship a good one. I wish you well." I then followed up with: "And I don't know who Marcus is besides Marcus Laird who supposed to be in Tx now." Christopher answered: "It is him." I reacted: "Gross. Have a good one." Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to Christopher. I don't know why that changed my mood for the rest of the night.


After dinner, Vasquez and I both headed to Defined Fitness down the street on McCleod to work our asses off. We were doing the most fabulous renditions from Lady Marmalade to Independent Woman in the car for karaoke. When we arrived at the gym, Ms. Genius, USA realized she left her gym clothes in her car so we had to go back to Olive Garden to get it. Thank Buddha it was down the street. Working out was vigorous and brutal today. Vasquez said I was "more focused than normal." We ran into his friend who happened to be Asian. He seems like a nice enough guy. I asked him if he used condemns at the gym (because we were at a gay gym). Poor kid was so confused to what I was saying. Although, while they were talking, I kept on pushing Vasquez to work out and interrupting their conversation. I was rude and I pissed Vasquez off. I apologized and talked about me being sticking to being "on track" will be the death of me. We talked a little about forgiveness. Vasquez said: "You're in a crappy mood because of Christopher. I get it! Even though you're not together, you still are protective of him. I get it! You've been excelling at work and spend ridiculous hours at the gym is to avoid things like your past. I get that too! Even though you're accomplishing amazing things at work and the workouts at the gym is making you look amazing and we're getting closer because of it... you're running. You're just running, Billy."


We brutally pushed each other and worked out 'till an hour before the gym closed. I verbally thanked him for being my friend. I said, "It's cool how we can motivate each other to better ourselves. We're able to pick each other up when we're down and "circuit fuck" our way through life." We rewarded ourselves with relaxing at the spa. As we sit in the steam room, fragments of emotions started running through my veins. Some of it confusion... Some resentment... But then I was overcame with compassion, love, understanding... and I think, even forgiveness. I shook off those feelings as we headed to the dry sauna. A really cool (but sometimes annoying) guy was in there and he started singing Elvis. It was strange and random, but he had a beautiful voice. I was rockin' to it while I was sweating like a pig.


After the gym I headed straight home. Bits and pieces of "stuff" ran through my mind. Some things relevant, some things weren't. While writing this blog, I started to dissect my emotions. For the past month, knowing that I was on my way to moving home and beginning a new phase in this evolution of me, I'd been wanting to tell Christopher that "I will be there for him at the end of the day..." I have been putting that off and even often wondered I was doing so for the past month. As of this moment, I understand why: Because I wasn't true to my convictions... until now. This experience made me realize that people do change. It's time that I forgive not only Christopher or Marcus, but mostly myself. I need to stop holding myself accountable for this outside of my control.


I now will compose an email to Christopher telling him that I'm now happy to say that I'll be there for him at the end of the day.