Last week I came home to Marcus callin me "it". In our circle of friends, we refer to people we don't like as "it". His exact words were "It has the money to have a photoshoot". Apparently, I'm sure someone like Bo have told Marcus there's new photos of me. Marcus immediately jumpped to conclusions thinking that I paid for the shoot, in reality, I didn't pay a dime since it was a test shot. Marcus then said he felt like he was "being played". He also said you constantly interrupt me when I'm trying to work. You talking 'till 3AM on the phone when I need to work early the next day. You constantly drop hints that you need my help financially when you can't manage your money right.


My response:


1. It was your idea for me to move in the first place. I told you I didn't want it to affect our friendship. It was your exact words that I did not have to pay rent. You said six months should be enough for me to save money to move back to CA or get a place of my own. You and Malcom just needed the company. If I didn't mysteriously was missing money out of my room, I would have been current and would have been contributing monitarily despite the fact that you initially told me I didn't need to. So even if I had money, which I don't, then you have no reason to feel that you were being played because of our initial agreement.


2. I have never been at the house since I "moved" in. I spent nearly every single with Gil when we were together. In reality, out of the three months that I officially moved in, I was present only for the past two weeks. I talk to you because I'm your friend. I didn't want to work 10 hour day, come home then go straight to bed. If I was bothering you, all you needed to do was tell me to shut up.


3. I have had trouble sleeping at night so I do stay up late and talk to my friend from CA. For an entire week, I'd been asking if that bothered you and if I was keeping you up at night. Your response have always been "No, I sleep like a brick. It takes a lot to keep me up". If that's your response for an entire week I'm not going to ask you again.


4. I talk about my financial disposition because I trust you enough to discuss it with you (and there's nothing else I have to talk about). Don't mistake that for me dropping hints for a handout. If I was to hint that I need money to anybody, it would be my ex (who by the way is the VP of Wells Fargo), not you since I know you don't have any money.


All this mess and ruining our friendship over a free photoshoot. I told Marcus that night that I'll find another place to stay. His response was "I'm not kicking you out, but find another place to stay in a reasonable amount of time". I know what this is all about. It's about him wanting Cannon to move in (since he always wanted Cannon) and couldn't find a way to tell me so he had to look for opportunities and excuse. Well, it's his house. He doesn't need an excuse. All he had to say was "Billy, you need to find another place to stay." My response would have been, "Ok. No problem. Thanks for letting me stay as long as you did". There's was no need to ruin a friendship over it. It makes me wonder if there was ever even a friendship to begin with. This is too emotionally taxing and disheartening.


That night I went over to Gabaldon's house and we talked a lot. He recently lost a friend and we both cried all night sharing stories of those that we have lost. I didn't even get a chance to cry about it when Rob's anniversary past last October with all the life issues that'd been going on. Gabaldon is going through such hard times. I wish there was more that I could do. We both have loved and lost so much within the past few years. I did not know. For a while, I thought I was the only one who have lost four loved ones within a year span, all not too far from each other. All this time I felt so alone in New Mexico. But everytime I talk to Gabaldon, or hang with him, I feel so close to him. Like I could trust him with anything. I don't cry in front of people much, but I felt so secure to just drop everything and cry with him. I haven't cried like that in a very long time, not even when I broke up with Christopher. The last time I cried that hard was when I was alone in the shower, the day that Rob passed away two years ago.


I think I'll be staying with Gabaldon for a little while. After a couple pay periods I should be able to get current and start helping him out with like rent or utilities or something. It might not be much, but I can at least start on something. Not to mention, it's a good feeling to be able to do that. But my dilema in the meantime is, I can't completely move out of Marcus' house since my state tax returns will be mailed to his house and I don't trust it going there when I'm not there. So I'm kind of sticking around two places.


Work highly suggested that I take a leave of absence to clear my head and to heal. At first, they wanted me to take two weeks off. I wasn't going to take two weeks without pay. So I agreed on taking a week off.


Today, I think I'm just going to read. Perhaps clean Gabaldon's place and find my disc to fix his laptop. Spending time with his dogs here, especially Toy, makes me miss Rascal and Chanel a lot. Well, have a good day everybody.