I'm now sitting here in a bath tub of running hot water, overwhelmed with emotions, watching the steam streams through the room. Marcus and I had conversations that irrelavantly transitioned into other conversations. He then asked if I had an hour and a half to watch a gay rights documentary as I was responding to Christopher's text about picking up my mail. I sat down for fourty five minutes, not knowing it would affect me... the way that it has. These group of kids went on a 51 day tour of the country, visiting schools that have policies against homosexuality to make a difference. They call themselves the Equality Riders. They continually got arrested at one school after another. One lesbian rider member said, ''I rathered get arrested than put a razor to my wrists. Maybe one kid saw the arrest and it gave them hope because no one has gone that far for them. Nobody has loved them that much to go the distance... And we do love them.'' I couldn't finish the documentary. I was an activist once. I had passion once. I had hope once. Whatever happened to me? I look at these lines and creases in the palm of my hands. Only twenty two years old and already have lived so many lives.


It makes me think of all the things I used to do, loved to do and did it well. I used to be active. I cared about being healthy and treating my body like a temple. I used to read and loved to question and explore a world of which I do not live in. I used to model and loved all the artistic beauty of the human body. Today I had a salad with light house vinnegrette with Nicoleta at Il Vicino. I think I'm starting to see my abs now. I began to read A Walk To Remember like I always wanted to. I wonder how much better the book is going to be than the movie. I then met up with my new photographer Max Woltman. We went through series of ideas for some shoots. We clicked very well. He agreed to do a test shoot tomorrow.


I'm starting to walk down a new path and a holier route. I pray that life won't foresake me. Perhaps with sheer luck I'll find a glimpse of me. Perhaps with forgiveness I'll mend some part of me. Perhaps in time I'll unbox and better the best part of me... perhaps...