Yesterday, I hung out with Lee for the first time since forever. We went shopping for new bedding so that he could redecorate his bedroom. We started at Dillard's. We found a beautiful bedding set that I told him to get, but he wanted to look around for more options. We ended up going to Mervyns, Bed Bath and Beyond, Linens And Things and then back to Dillard's only to get what I told him to to begin with. We also ate at Lin's for lunch and had wonderful conversations.


I then went home and got ready to go to Mr. Sushi with Josh. We first went to Coranado Mall so I could look for my labret and maybe a watch at Whitehall. I couldn't find anything, although I was distracted with the thoughts in my head. All day I couldn't help to think what would become of Josh and me when I have one foot out the door. I know New Mexico is not for me. I know I willl eventually go back to Sacramento. I just don't know when or how. I want to be fair. I don't want to do what others have done to me. Because it's harsh. Because it's cruel. Because Josh doesn't deserve it. I told him perhaps we shouldn't see either anymore because we can't escape the inevitable fact that I will not stay forever. He brought up the possibility that he could move with me. It is not a chance that I want to risk or put effort into at this point in my life. I don't have a whole lot of fight left in me.


Pieces of me do hate you. I hate you. I really do. I once had hopes, dreams, and now I don't even have a fight in me to carry on with my life. You took my independence from me. You took possibilities from me. You took hope from me. You took will from me. You took the best parts of me that made me wonderful. You left a fragment of a man so broken.