ModernRomeo.net

Thursday, November 20th 2008

Breaking The Habit

Mood: Free

Yesterday was a bittersweet day I must say. I woke up and had the urge to have McDonalds breakfast, but I wanted to have it with Josh. So I asked Josh to come over. I left the house at 10:50AM thinking that I could make it in time to get breakfast at the McDonalds down the street. By the time I walked downstairs, it was 10:55AM. I was very wrong! I called my baby up and asked what he wanted from the lunch menu. I nearly busted up laughing from his response. "I want a two double cheese burger meal without the cheese and ice tea to drink." The guy who took my order was looking at me like I was insane. I of course, always have the #1 Big Mac. So Josh came over to have lunch with me. We then hung out at the apartment and I showed him a bunch of my photos and videos. We ended up passionately making out. He's such a great and passionate kisser. He ignored nearly 25 of his mom's calls, asking him to take the car back. I then told him not to be a bad boy and go home. He asked if I wanted to go meet his friends later that night because it was one of his friends birthday at Jinja restaurant. Due to moving the rest of my things out from Christopher and having a talk with Jeremy later in the evening, I did not commit to it, but said I would let him know. I walked my honey out to his car and couldn't stop kissing him. He was on his marry way home and I went back inside to continue redesigning my website.

Jeremy came home around 6PM, but I had to save our conversation 'till I get back from moving the rest of my things out from Christopher's house. I must say it was strange to separate my things from his after living together for so long. You don't ever really think about what's mine and what's his until this pivotal moment. It's for the better. Despite our huffing and puffing during the day, no words were exchanged when I was at the house. I expected for him to talk, I would have listened. But I guess at this point, what else is there to say? He gave me a big hug on my way out and I didn't look back. No more fighting. No more wondering why. No more: "what could have been?" It's time to break the habit. It's time to let go and move on to our own destinations.

I came home and cuddled with Jeremy. We talked for a very long while. We did some major catching up since we've both been dealing with our own demons. I finally told him about Josh and Jeremy was impressed about what I said about Josh so far. Although, Jeremy did warn that he must pass the test. Jeremy said the interrogation will start with "What are your intentions?" LOL I'm so lucky to have such love and support throughout these hard times.

I then was able to make it out to Jinja to meet his friends after all. I had such a wonderful time getting to know all of them. They all got to know my dry British humor very quickly. Everybody at the table was absolutely model gorgeous. They clearly have aged so very well or have found the fountain of youth because they look years younger than their age. I felt like I was at a table full of America's Next Top Model winners. But the best part of the night was spending time and seeing my gorgeous Josh. He just had a hair cut. His stylist gave him a hot sexy faux hawk. He totally took my breath away.

After Jinja I went home to rest. Josh and his friends invited me out to the bar, but I was tired from the moving and I needed to work the next day so I took a rain check. I did however, told Josh to take the camera and take a bunch of photos of what I missed out on. I woke up in the middle of the night around 3AM and two seconds after I opened my eyes, there was an incoming text from my baby telling me that he got home safe. Strange isn't it? We exchanged a few text messages. He always says such sweet things to me and always is concerned about me. I then went back to bed and told him to also go to bed. I can't wait to see him again.

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 11.20.08 @ 07:58 AM PST
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Wednesday, November 19th 2008

I Hate You

I hate you. What the hell did I ever see in you? All you are is a liar, deceiver, heartbreaker that likes to play games. Clearly, you’re done with me and are off to your next fornication. How do you sleep at night? How do you face your friends and family and make yourself out to be something that you’re not? You’re a real piece of work! I see you. People see you. God sees you.

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 11.19.08 @ 09:12 AM PST
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Tuesday, November 18th 2008

5AM

Mood: Refreshed

I woke up yesterday at 7AM and moped my way to the kitchen to indulge in low fat yogurt like I have routinely done so for the past week. I managed to drag myself back to the couch, opened up Jeremy's laptop to check my emails. A really handsome guy named Josh Stockham responded to my craigs list ad looking for friends. He seems sweet and genuine. We've written each other a few times and exchanged numbers through email. I decided to send him a text message to say hi.

I had a decent work day yesterday. It was very long, but decent. You'll almost never catch me smoking a cigarette by myself, let alone a whole cigarette. Perhaps it's true to what they say about it's the oral fixation that helps with the stress. I ended up smoking three cigarettes within one hour at work. Too many things to think about: work, breakup, moving again next month and today's surgery.

April pulled me off the phone for two hours for mentoring. Two hours off the phone was awesome! While half listening to Chuck's calls for feedback and talking about men with Mandy, I received a text message from Mr. Stockham. ''Hey how’s it going Billy? Just got a new phone. didn't get your text 'till bout five minutes ago.'' We exchanged over 4 hours worth of text messages, getting to know each other as well as you possibly can over text messages. It turns out this hopeless romantic is also a Cancer. We both collect shot glasses. We both have the same favorite song, ''Strange Fruit'' by Billie Holliday. We both finish each other's thoughts and sentences.

After 4 hours of text message marathon we spontaneously decided to hang out. He promptly picked me up after I got home from work. We drove all around town just to talk and get to know each other. He took me to the hills of Tramway to look down on the beautiful lit city. It's no New York, but it did the trick. He then took me to Old Town because I said I've never been and showed me around. We then sat at the park and talked forever. He put his scarf and jacket around me because I was being hard headed and won’t admit that I was cold. We ended up making out. He was sweet and such a gentleman. He was concerned if I was ok with the temperature and if he was keeping me late all night. We then did something spontaneous and random. We went to get donuts when they first opened at Dunkin' Donuts. We shared one Boston donut (he thought it was call a Bismarck lol). Mmmm... I love the cream filling. He then took me home at 5AM. Wow! A 7 hour date. It was amazing. At least I think it was a date. We synchronized our calendars to have sushi at Mr. Sushi on Sunday at 6PM. I can't wait.

I slept in 'till 11AM this morning. I called Rasheada to confess that I was hiding my relationship and cancer issues from her and like Timineri and my sister, Sheada said I was silly to think I needed to go through it alone. I also did tell her about Josh.

On the other side of the fence, I am now sitting at the doctor's office to get surgery for skin cancer. I have condyloma. After surgery I'm going over to Christopher's house to get the rest of my belongings. I just want to get the rest of my things so we can start moving towards our own destination.

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 11.18.08 @ 03:38 PM PST
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Friday, November 14th 2008

Over You

I arrived home to an empty bottle of Jack Daniels that I so looked forward to all day long. Sitting on the counter next to Jack was a shot glass. Apparently, Jeremy had consumed what was left of the bottle. The house was warm, but the silence was chilling. Jeremy was dealing with his own deamons, as I with mine. I decided to put on a tank top, walked out in the thirty something degrees weather, made my way to the apartment's gym. I worked out until the complex's security guard came in to inform me that she was locking up, it was 11PM, I had just finished my mile run, hardly breaking a sweat. I then walked out the gym shirtless, I'm sure the temperature has dropped, but I can't possibly be any colder than I already am.

I returned from the gym and sat down to eat popcorn chicken and fries with Jeremy. I had ranch dip and he had BBQ. We barely sparked a conversation with one another. Jeremy read my last blog entry while I was working out. Jeremy asked, "Do you miss him?" I said "No..." My acting seems to hardly work on my audience judging by the look on Jeremy's face. I gave him a big, long hug and whispered, "Thanks for being there for me."

Jeremy pulled on his sleep mask and curled up on the couch. The television playing reruns of George Lopez show. I tried keeping myself busy by putting in very little effort of fixing and reinstalling the drivers to Jeremy's laptop. The sound of the television dissapeared in the background as my thoughts fill my head at 3AM.

I can't help but wonder if someone else has fallen into your arms. Are you thinking of me when you're fast asleep? Have my space been filled? Have you already so quickly moved on? It doesn't matter. I need to snap out of it. It's time that I realize that it over. It's truly over. It's time that I start moving on with the rest of my life. But no matter how much I try to fool the world, I cannot fool myself. I love you. I hate that I do, because I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to get by. You're embedded in my daily routine, the road I travel, the food that I eat, the shower I take and the plans I make. I don't know how I'm going to get over you.

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 11.14.08 @ 01:40 PM PST
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Thursday, November 13th 2008

New Habit

Music: Use To Be - Chris Daughtry

It's strange to counter the habit of putting on my ring every morning. Cleaning house, laundry, cooking for you and me - the routine that has been my way of life - have been replaced with working out, killing the silence by spending uneventful time with friends, and meeting new people. The nights are colder without you by my side, the days longer, and tomorrow doesn't come quick enough. It's an early winter for us.

So many times, for the past few longest days, I can't help but to think if it's possible that we could try a little harder, give it a little more effort, have a little more forgiveness, practice a little more patience and understanding, and casting our pride aside; would that restore our faith in each other? Could that spark the passion that was once there? Could we forgive, forget and trust each other without a doubt like we used to? Would it allow us to hold each other's hands a bit longer like we're holding on to each other's lives? Could the distractions and the world around us disappear so that we could truly see one another again? Would it make us embrace one another like we would never have the opportunity to again? My head are filled with these thoughts, my eyes fighting the tears from falling, I scroll to and stare at your beautiful photo on my phone for hours as you are the first person on my speed dial, wanting to call you. Like willing myself out of comatose, I then wonder if we have gone as far as we could go. Are we too far behind? Have we lost each other too long ago before we have parted? Would it do us any justice? I then put my phone away, only to repeat the same steps, the same thoughts, the same battle to prevent my tears from falling all over again.

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 11.13.08 @ 08:51 AM PST
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Sunday, July 27th 2008

With You I Found A Home

Music: Understand - Christina Aguilera
Mood: Happy/Tired

Last night was amazing; one of the greatest times I've had since I moved to New Mexico. What made it so great was my husband decided to take me out to a night club called Exhale. It was a decent club. I learned not to compare anything in New Mexico to California. We went out to dinner with Jeremy and Mikey at Zios. After Zios the four of us headed out to Exhale. Bo and Danny met us at the club. Soon after Reed and Angelo met us there too. The music wasn't the best, but it wasn't bad. We all hit the dance floor and Christopher dipped it low and dropped me like it's hot! That's the first! My man is way too hot.

After the first dance I was way too tired. My heart beated a million mile an hour. I haven't danced in like 6 months! I'm so out of shape! I had to rest in between unlike dancing song after song until the club closes like I used to. Although, it was a very nice feeling to just dance with my partner and have a good time, instead being the center of attention by being so provacative. Although, Danny wanted to dance after sitting forever, so I tapped into my roots and got dirrty. I slid on my knees, got down on all fours and the crowd went wild! It lasted for 45 seconds and I was ready to get off the floor and back to my man. We then all danced to "The Way I Are" in honor of Timineri. I miss the fucker!

I was browsing Myspace profiles the other day because I was bored and was looking for potential new friends that us boys could be friends with. I came across a profile where this couple was at a club. One guy was significantly older than the other. The older guy was fully clothed and was holding his boyfriend's bare chest. I looked at that photo in envy and asked myself "Why can't that be us?" ...I guess what I longed for and my prayers were answered. Last night, when Christopher was grinding his body up against mine with his hands on my hips and he was looking down my back, I looked at us dancing in the mirror and time stopped, everybody dissapeared. We were happy... and we looked so good together being happy. It was the first time that we shook our asses together, purely having a good time and just shaking our care away. No stress, no drama, no interference... Just us... Just love. I'm surprised I didn't start crying. I'd been doing that a lot lately. Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel again. Maybe with my lover, I don't have to be a hard ass all the time. Maybe Christopher just brings out the best in me.

It was just so amazing. We didn't totally party our brains out. We didn't get plastered drunk. We didn't go crazy. We had just enough fun in reason and enjoyed wonderful company of our friends around us. We came home, cuddled and passed out. Today we spent the day cleaning our home together. It's nice how I'm starting to call it our home. With him I found a home.

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 07.27.08 @ 04:11 PM PST
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Saturday, July 26th 2008

Tomorrow Is Not Promised

Music: I Run Away - Britney Spears
Mood: Calm

Life is passing by a little slowly now, but it seems I have accomplished quite a few tasks in such a short period of time. Since joining T-Mobile in March as Tier II Technical Support Coordinator, I advanced to Tier III Technical Support Coordinator. During training of Tier III, my previous Tier II trainer and I decided that, although in such a short period of time, I am ready to apply to become a supervisor. I have done just that. In addition to that, I just been certified Windows Mobile Specialist, Windows Mobile Small Business & Retail Specialist, and Blackberry Specialist. Earning all three certifications within a month, it has motivated me to start thinking about going back to college. Perhaps Christopher and I can join a fraternity.

It seems Christopher and I are just on the loosing end when it comes to our loved ones. I just lost Rob last October, we recently lost Scott and now, Joseph. He'd been diagnosed with cancer and Christopher says it doesn't look good. I'm tired of loosing people. I don't know what to do anymore. I did a good job keeping it together when Scott passed away, but it's driving me crazy about Joseph. It's just too much all at once. I know what my duty is to my partner, I need to be strong and stand tall for him. I was not the closest to Scott and Joseph as Christopher, but nevertheless they still are friends. They were good to me. It's devastating that Christopher and I are loosing such wonderful people. I'm having such a hard time. A million things are rushing through my head and it's keeping me up in the middle of the night.

I haven't spent a lot of time blogging or putting up photos because I'd been focousing on things that matters most because tomorrow is not promised. I will be putting up new photos soon.

On the brighter side, last night we went to see Mamma Mia and it was great! It boosted our mood right up! Today we are going to the zoo once the mrs. wakes up. After the zoo, we're going to go to Saigon for Pho. This will be the first time Christopher will have Pho. It might be better for him to have a rice plate and share some of my pho if he doesn't like it. Then we're going to try to make it to the flea market across the street. I heard they close early at 2PM.

In August we are going to Miami to visit Vince. Christopher is going to show me around, take me to the beach and some hot club. I'd been looking everywhere for a swimsuit and I found this bikini and shirt for the beach. I haven't been to the beach in years now so I'm very excited. If I'm impressed, maybe I'll say yes to us moving there like Christopher wanted. I think it'd just be great for us to finally take a short vacation together and get away from all the madness and distractions. I think it's time that we focous more on each other. Time has no mercy. Blink your eyes and one of us turnes 37, blink again the other turns 22.

Let's make the best of today!

Karma: 0 (+/-) Romeo on 07.26.08 @ 07:50 AM PST
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